I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
