how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
