if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
