Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
