The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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