we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
