Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
