So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
