Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
