my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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