Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
