we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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