well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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