He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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