The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
