There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
