I need help removing her.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
