I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
