Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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