I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
