only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
How drunk are you?
Completed.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
