I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
