Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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