There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
