the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
