How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
