I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
