My first STD was from a foam party
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
