a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
