i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
