My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
