did you get engaged???
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
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I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
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They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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