I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
