You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Randomize
