you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
