Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My legs feel like baby dolphins
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
