I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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