i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
