Im at strip club and am horny
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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