Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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