Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
that may or may not have been my penis.
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