By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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