There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
