So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
