So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
