masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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