cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
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This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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