Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
