My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I need to stop coming to work sober
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
