Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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