So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
