3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
