It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
